On Dating

The best way to improve your dating life is to stop thinking of dates as a means to an end, i.e. an expensive outlay of resources in exchange for possible sex. Instead, think of each date as a self-contained experience that would be well worth your time and money even if things don’t end up working out between you and the girl. I personally suggest Celtics games, strip clubs, and hiking. Be active. Be efficient. Specifically, don’t do things on dates that you wouldn’t want to do were it not a date. If you think a day looking at glorified silly string at the MFA with Hist&Lit girl is going to end with a blowjob, well, the blowjob would have to be fluffer caliber to compensate for the headache.

Dates should never be stressful. They should be exciting, energetic, creative, a chance to try something new and show off what an incredible person you are. That early dating stage is when you’re both still putting your best faces forward. Afterwards, the girl gains ten pounds and stops shaving her legs. You start reminiscing about your time on kibbutz and how at least then, love was free. No, but really. Dates are fun!

I would even venture so far as to say that dates don’t necessarily have be romantically or sexually driven. If you’re single, there should be at least one girl, well-spoken and well-put together, who you can ask out on a date, to the movies, to a dance, to dinner. The girl might not be interested in pursuing anything further with you, but she’ll be thankful for the alternative to drinking straight Absolut and tottering half a mile in stripper heels to the Chinatown ESL mixer. And in return, you get to learn how to date: who pays, what to say, how much to compliment, even what to wear. This may seem, at first, a somewhat unequal exchange. But what you ultimately learn from dating around is worth every denied good night kiss: don’t invest too much in or expect too much from any one person.

Because girls can be bitches. They’ll make you move boxes up four flights of stairs while doing their topology pset, and then when you have the audacity to make a move, they’ll say something like, “I’m really Catholic.” But that’s OK. Because like her, you’re keeping a list of potentials. And you can just cross her off yours.